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Health benefits of strong relationships
Throughout your life, the number and strength of your relationships affect your mental and physical wellbeing. The benefits of social connections and good mental health are numerous. Proven links include lower rates of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, greater empathy, and more trusting and cooperative relationships. Strong, healthy relationships can also help to strengthen your immune system, help you recover from disease, and may even lengthen your life. The good news is that while many of these benefits can make you happier and more contented, there’s also a flow-on effect, whereby people around you will want to spend time with you. In this way, social connectedness generates a positive feedback loop of social, emotional and physical wellbeing.
Impact of loneliness on health
Loneliness can have dramatic consequences for your health. Loneliness can lead to disrupted sleep patterns, elevated blood pressure, and increased cortisol (a stress hormone). It can affect your immune system and decrease your overall sense of contentment. Loneliness is also a risk factor for antisocial behaviors, depression and suicide. Older people are particularly vulnerable. If your mobility decreases, it can be harder to get together with other people. However, older people who remain connected with others and have strong relationships are likely to:
have a better quality of life
be more satisfied with their life
have a lower risk of dementia and mental decline
need less domestic support.
Younger people (teenagers and people in their 20s) are also at risk when they are isolated. A lack of social relationships can have a direct impact on a young person’s physical wellbeing by increasing the risk of obesity, inflammation and high blood pressure. These 3 health issues can lead to long-term health problems, including heart disease, stroke and cancer, but a varied social network can help protect against physical decline. What’s more, the benefits of social ties are significant, even if your other mortality risk factors (such as socioeconomic status, smoking, drinking, obesity and lack of physical activity) are low. In other words, even if you live a healthy life, you still need to be socially active to stay well and happy. It’s important to recognize that loneliness is different from solitude. Feeling lonely is a problem, but being alone may not be a problem at all. Many people live alone and have happy, fulfilling lives.
How to improve your social connections
Feeling lonely is hard to cope with. Luckily, there are things you can do to tackle loneliness. For instance, you can nurture healthy relationships with people who make you feel good by spending time with them, and by trying to talk to someone every day.
There are 3 kinds of connections that you can have with people:
intimate connections – with people who love and care for you, such as family and friends
relational connections – with people who you see regularly and share an interest with, such as workmates or those who serve your morning coffee
collective connections – with people who share a group membership or an affiliation with you, such as people who vote like you do, or people who have the same faith.
Ask yourself: do you have meaningful, long-term relationships in all these 3 areas? Perhaps you tend to stick with old friends and don’t feel able to meet new people. Or maybe you avoid people from your past, preferring to mix with people who don’t know much about you. Be honest with yourself about your social habits. Think about the sorts of relationships you have with people, and the sorts of relationships you would like to have. You might find you want to make new friendships, or perhaps you want to try to make your existing relationships stronger. One way to strengthen your social connections is to reach out to the people you already know, such as co-workers, family, school friends or neighbors. Give someone a call or write or email them and let them know you would like to be in touch more often. Arrange to have a coffee or a meal, or to listen to music, have a round of golf or play chess. Think about the interests you share. Facebook and other social media are also great ways to stay in touch.
How to meet new people
There are lots of ways to meet new people. Start a conversation with some of the people you see every day, such as the people on your bus each morning, people at the gym or the park, or the regular checkout operators at your supermarket. (Just remember to make sure that you are safe when meeting new people. Having other people around – for example, meeting in a public place – can be a good strategy.) Other ideas include joining a sports team or a walking or hobby group, or volunteering. Call your local council to find out about local groups or programs or visit your local community center or library – there’s always something happening in your community. Not all strategies will work for everyone, so try some different approaches to see what works for you. If the first thing you try doesn’t work out, try something different. Beyond Blue’s Connections matter booklet has some useful ideas for older people. The idea of social connection is to share your time, experiences and stories with people, and to also listen to them. Gradually, you will build a group of people in your life who care about you, and who you also care about. Both your mind and body will reap the rewards.
Health benefits of strong relationships
Throughout your life, the number and strength of your relationships affect your mental and physical wellbeing. The benefits of social connections and good mental health are numerous. Proven links include lower rates of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, greater empathy, and more trusting and cooperative relationships. Strong, healthy relationships can also help to strengthen your immune system, help you recover from disease, and may even lengthen your life. The good news is that while many of these benefits can make you happier and more contented, there’s also a flow-on effect, whereby people around you will want to spend time with you. In this way, social connectedness generates a positive feedback loop of social, emotional and physical wellbeing.
Impact of loneliness on health
Loneliness can have dramatic consequences for your health. Loneliness can lead to disrupted sleep patterns, elevated blood pressure, and increased cortisol (a stress hormone). It can affect your immune system and decrease your overall sense of contentment. Loneliness is also a risk factor for antisocial behaviors, depression and suicide. Older people are particularly vulnerable. If your mobility decreases, it can be harder to get together with other people. However, older people who remain connected with others and have strong relationships are likely to:
have a better quality of life
be more satisfied with their life
have a lower risk of dementia and mental decline
need less domestic support.
Younger people (teenagers and people in their 20s) are also at risk when they are isolated. A lack of social relationships can have a direct impact on a young person’s physical wellbeing by increasing the risk of obesity, inflammation and high blood pressure. These 3 health issues can lead to long-term health problems, including heart disease, stroke and cancer, but a varied social network can help protect against physical decline. What’s more, the benefits of social ties are significant, even if your other mortality risk factors (such as socioeconomic status, smoking, drinking, obesity and lack of physical activity) are low. In other words, even if you live a healthy life, you still need to be socially active to stay well and happy. It’s important to recognize that loneliness is different from solitude. Feeling lonely is a problem, but being alone may not be a problem at all. Many people live alone and have happy, fulfilling lives.
How to improve your social connections
Feeling lonely is hard to cope with. Luckily, there are things you can do to tackle loneliness. For instance, you can nurture healthy relationships with people who make you feel good by spending time with them, and by trying to talk to someone every day.
There are 3 kinds of connections that you can have with people:
intimate connections – with people who love and care for you, such as family and friends
relational connections – with people who you see regularly and share an interest with, such as workmates or those who serve your morning coffee
collective connections – with people who share a group membership or an affiliation with you, such as people who vote like you do, or people who have the same faith.
Ask yourself: do you have meaningful, long-term relationships in all these 3 areas? Perhaps you tend to stick with old friends and don’t feel able to meet new people. Or maybe you avoid people from your past, preferring to mix with people who don’t know much about you. Be honest with yourself about your social habits. Think about the sorts of relationships you have with people, and the sorts of relationships you would like to have. You might find you want to make new friendships, or perhaps you want to try to make your existing relationships stronger. One way to strengthen your social connections is to reach out to the people you already know, such as co-workers, family, school friends or neighbors. Give someone a call or write or email them and let them know you would like to be in touch more often. Arrange to have a coffee or a meal, or to listen to music, have a round of golf or play chess. Think about the interests you share. Facebook and other social media are also great ways to stay in touch.
How to meet new people
There are lots of ways to meet new people. Start a conversation with some of the people you see every day, such as the people on your bus each morning, people at the gym or the park, or the regular checkout operators at your supermarket. (Just remember to make sure that you are safe when meeting new people. Having other people around – for example, meeting in a public place – can be a good strategy.) Other ideas include joining a sports team or a walking or hobby group, or volunteering. Call your local council to find out about local groups or programs or visit your local community center or library – there’s always something happening in your community. Not all strategies will work for everyone, so try some different approaches to see what works for you. If the first thing you try doesn’t work out, try something different. Beyond Blue’s Connections matter booklet has some useful ideas for older people. The idea of social connection is to share your time, experiences and stories with people, and to also listen to them. Gradually, you will build a group of people in your life who care about you, and who you also care about. Both your mind and body will reap the rewards.
Common causes of family conflict
It is well recognized that some of the stages a family goes through can cause conflict. These may include:
Learning to live as a new couple
Birth of a baby
Birth of other children
A child going to school
A child becoming a young person
A young person becoming an adult.
Each of these stages can create new and different stresses and potential conflict.
Changes in the family situation can also take a toll on the family and contribute to conflict. This may include events such as:
Separation or divorce
Moving to a new house or country
Travelling long distances to work
Commuting interstate for work.
Change in financial circumstances.
The opinions, values and needs of each parent can also change, and they may find they are no longer compatible.
Agreeing to negotiate
Usually, our first angry impulse is to push the point that we are right and win the argument at any cost. Finding a peaceful resolution can be difficult, if not impossible, when both parties stubbornly stick to their guns. It helps if everyone decides as a family to try listening to each other and negotiating instead.
Suggestions include:
Work out if the issue is worth fighting over.
Try to separate the problem from the person.
Try to cool off first if you feel too angry to talk calmly.
Keep in mind that the idea is to resolve the conflict, not win the argument.
Remember that the other party isn’t obliged to always agree with you on everything.
Define the problem and stick to the topic.
Respect the other person’s point of view by paying attention and listening.
Talk clearly and reasonably.
Try to find points of common ground.
Agree to disagree.
Try to listen
Conflict can escalate when the people involved are too angry to listen to each other. Misunderstandings fuel arguments. Suggestions include:
Try to stay calm.
Try to put emotions aside.
Don’t interrupt the other person while they are speaking.
Actively listen to what they are saying and what they mean.
Check that you understand them by asking questions.
Communicate your side of the story clearly and honestly.
Resist the urge to bring up other unresolved but unrelated issues.
Work as a team
Once both parties understand the views and feelings of the other, you can work out a solution together. Suggestions include:
Come up with as many possible solutions as you can.
Be willing to compromise.
Make sure everyone clearly understands the chosen solution.
Once the solution is decided on, stick to it.
Write it down as a ‘contract’, if necessary.
Knowing when your relationship is in trouble
According to Relationships Australia, noticing early warning signs of relationship breakdown can help a couple resolve conflicts. Early warning signs include:
you don’t do things together as much as before
you have recurring arguments about the same issues that are never resolved
you feel dissatisfied and unhappy
you have sex less often, not at all, or it isn't what it used to be
one partner spends increasing time on interests and activities outside the relationship
there is a loss of warmth and friendliness in the relationship, one or both of you speak of no longer being in love
you feel tired and less able to meet responsibilities at work and at home
your arguments about the children continue
one of you has an addiction that is affecting the relationship
you or your partner have had intimate relationships outside of your relationship
one of you is abusive, degrading, controlling and dominating, indicating family violence.
These behaviors can be signs of a relationship breakdown and may trigger the start of a lonely and worrying time.
How you cope over that time will depend on your ability to manage your own thoughts and actions, and to recognize when things are out of hand.
How break-ups can make you feel
Expect some emotional ups and downs when you and your partner separate. At times, you may feel excited about your new life, and free. But you will probably have very sad feelings too and a sense of loss. You may even feel scared. It’s understandable if you experience negative emotions from a sense of loss. Separation can be painful, and may involve the loss of:
your family structure and routines
daily contact with your children
the family home
friends and social life
support and approval from your family and community
meaning and identity
the opportunity to have children
financial security.
These losses may be even harder to accept if you don’t want the separation, or your family and friends don’t support you. Separation can also bring up practical problems, such as where you will live, how you will support yourself (and any children), and how you will share parenting. Money is a particular issue for many couples who separate, and women are more likely than men to experience financial hardship after divorce.
Common feelings
Despite the circumstances of the relationship breakdown, you may still feel sadness, rejection and confusion. Your world has been turned upside down, and with so much change you may feel overwhelmed. You might find yourself experiencing a range of behaviors such as crying, having trouble sleeping, losing your appetite, or feeling unable to concentrate at work. If you have children, you may also struggle to look after them for a while. You may feel happy one day and sad the next or have mixed feelings in the same day.
Let’s look at some common feelings during a separation. You may feel:
relieved that things are finally out in the open
nervous about how you will juggle work and home commitments
positive and excited about the future
worried about legal matters, finances and perhaps a new relationship
sad, consumed by the loss, unable to move on or simply numb
ready for change and new beginnings
concerned about the impact on your children.
In other words, a relationship breakdown is a time of heightened and mixed emotions. But, if you take time and care for yourself, you will come out the other side.
Grief is a process
Regardless of whether you initiated the separation or not, you may still experience grief. Someone that you used to care about, or may still love, is moving out of your life.
To cope with your grief, let’s look at things that might help you:
Look after yourself – try to eat healthily, keep your sleeping and exercise routines, and plan for treats and the things you enjoy.
Everyone copes differently – you could try to keep busy, perhaps distract yourself with new people and new activities, or talk to friends and family and others who can support you, or consider some quiet reflective time by yourself.
Avoid rushing into a new relationship.
Avoid using alcohol or other drugs to ease any emotional pain.
Talk to your GP, or seek counselling, if you have any concerns about your health and wellbeing.
Beyond your grief, you need to be practical too. It’s important that you look after your finances, for example. Talk to Centrelink (Tel. 13 61 50) if you need advice on income support and family assistance payments.
Call on financial counselling services if you need help paying your bills, sorting out your superannuation entitlements, budgeting or dealing with debt. Both the Australian Government and private providers offer these services.
What’s not a healthy response to separation
Relationship breakdown is a risk factor for worsening family violence and depression. (Some people can have an extreme response to separation, which can be dangerous to them, their partner or their family.) So, be familiar with the signs of an abnormal response to separation. And know when to get help. Anything that is an attempt to belittle, demoralize or punish a person is unhelpful, and in some cases may even be illegal (such as vandalizing a car or other property). Regardless of how bad you feel after separation; it doesn’t help to:
steal from each other
lie about each other
seek to damage each other’s new life
take out your frustration and anger on your children.
The separation will be easier on everyone if each party takes responsibility for behaving with respect and maturity.
Depression
Sadness experienced from a relationship breakdown may be intense, which may lead to depression. Depression is a serious illness that affects mental and physical health. People with depression find it hard to function every day. They may become socially isolated, or unproductive at work and home, and stop enjoying their usual activities. Other signs of depression can be significant weight change, lack of concentration, and reliance on alcohol or drugs. If these problems last longer than 2 weeks, it’s time to seek professional help.
Violence
Another unhealthy response to separation is violence. Some people feel enormous rage when their relationship falls apart, and they may try to punish their partner. If you feel you cannot control your anger, or you are worried about your partner’s anger, please seek help immediately. Family violence, stalking and abusive or threatening language and behaviors are never acceptable. The safety of everyone in the relationship, including children, must come first.
If your partner is violent:
avoid contact as much as you can
only meet in a public place
ask a friend or family member to be with you at meetings
don’t respond with aggression
keep a record of abusive incidents, including stalking
seek legal advice about what you can do
Ways to build a healthy relationship with yourself
Let's start with you: the relationship with yourself is vital, and it’s an important connection to think about and look after. How we treat ourselves, our self-esteem, affects how well we look after ourselves and our ability to build good resilience. Luckily, there are lots of little things we can do that might improve self-esteem, including positive thinking. Try positive thinking Often our thoughts are automatic, and we do not notice them – but it can really help to tune into our thinking and check if it’s positive or negative. If you find that your thoughts are negative or unhelpful, try challenging these and thinking more positively. It can really help build confidence. It might not feel realistic to always think positively, so try finding neutral alternatives. For example, the negative thought, "I had lots to do and I‘ve done nothing. I'm useless", can be turned into a neutral or realistic one, like: "Not every day can be good, but that's OK because I can try again tomorrow." Over time, having this more balanced view can help you to build a healthier and happier relationship with yourself.
Ways to build healthy relationships with others
We need to work to build good relationships and keep them that way. Key ingredients to healthy relationships include respecting and supporting others, and having open and honest conversations. Being able to speak openly about the way you are feeling and, in turn, listening to your partner, friend or family member can strengthen relationships, reduce relationship anxiety, and help to protect your mental wellbeing.
Healthy ways to communicate in relationships
Try to be an "active listener", which means repeating back to the person what they’ve said to you or asking for more details if it’s not clear.
Active listening can help you to check you understand what someone is saying to you.
Making an effort to check in regularly can make it easier to manage challenges as they arise, rather than letting them build up.
Perhaps set aside a regular time to talk, or write down how you feel in a message or letter if it feels difficult to say out loud.
Tips on managing stress and anxiety in relationships
Life's challenges can affect our relationships, as difficult emotions build up sometimes and we get irritable, snappy or withdrawn. If you are facing a challenging time, being open and honest can help you and everyone around you feel supported. If you know someone who is going through a tough time, it can be hard or upsetting for you too – so it's important for you to support them in ways that also protect your mental wellbeing.
Here are 3 little things you can do to make sure you're taking care of yourself in your relationships.
Set boundaries
Think about what you feel able to help with. Try to stick with this – whether it's listening or offering practical help like doing the shopping.
Take time for yourself
Find time to do something just for yourself. Try to focus on your own hobbies and interests.
Talk to someone you trust
Finding someone outside the relationship that you trust enough to confide in can really help.
Dealing with relationship conflicts
Disagreements are normal, but it can affect your mental wellbeing if an argument is not resolved.
If it's difficult to talk through an issue calmly, take time out and talk again when everyone involved is feeling calmer.
Questions to help manage conflict
Sometimes, we have strong feelings about something, think we know what someone else thinks, or let our past effect what is happening in the present. It can help to take a step back and ask Yourself the following questions:
What meaning have I given this situation?
Is there a difference between the facts and my opinion of this situation?
What advice would I give to somebody else in this position?
Is there another way to look at the argument?
Working through these questions with those involved might help everyone to understand each other better and explore ways to say or do things differently.
Leaving an unhealthy relationship
It's OK to leave a relationship that does not feel right or is having a negative impact on your mental health and wellbeing. There are organizations that offer advice and support on dealing with the practical and financial issues of a break-up or separation, such as Citizen's Advice Bureau, if you need it..
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